In the year 2020 I will reach my Crystal Anniversary in Writing & Comedy- the 15 year mark. It’s been real and I’ve learned a lot. I can definitely say that all the time spent experimenting and fucking up and getting some stuff right has been valuable. But honestly, I believe I was just incubating for all those years. Recently I’ve wondered why it’s taken me so long to feel like I actually had permission to fucking focus on this already? Why has it taken me so long to really go for it? I mean from day one I thought I was fucking hilarious, and generally I got a lot of positive feedback so what has been the fucking hold up?

Here is a list of the bullshit that has gotten in the way thus far:

  1. I hated myself for being a woman
  2. The economy was shit
  3. I was an asshole who didn’t know how to work with people
  4. I was scared shitless
  5. I drank too much
  6. I kept getting weird crushes on comedy guys
  7. I was always too tired to do anything
  8. I had no clue how to approach all this
  9. My resume wasn’t built up
  10. I had no connections in the industry
  11. My life was in fucking chaos
  12. I had decision fatigue
  13. I needed a mentor
  14. I didn’t have a website
  15. The universe loathes a vacuum***

Yep those are the reasons. Most of them are self explanatory but I’ll expand upon reason #15 The Universe Loathes a Vacuum.

***This is a big one! You’d think that taking a stand and saying “Fuck you!” to a career in medical that afforded no flexibility and tons of exhaustion would clear a space to be a comedian but it didn’t, sadly. It was really interesting that in 2015 when I quit my career and spent most of my time doing unpaid comedy things would have been pure bliss but it wasn’t because I believe the universe loathes a vacuum. I believe that if your set-point is to be busy with nonsense and administrative bullshit, that the moment you clear your schedule of crap like this more crap like that will immediately come a knockin’ so just be prepared for that. It has not been easy to tell chaos gods to go fuck themselves but it’s been a thing.

…And it’s still a thing right now too. For whatever reasons I was drowning in a tidal wave of personal things that needed to be addressed when I stopped performing on Dec 30th 2017. It was all stuff like:

  1. I had to get all my shit out of storage
  2. I needed new insurance
  3. I had to lease a car
  4. I had to get new credit cards
  5. I had to get a passport
  6. My computer was broken
  7. I was getting fat
  8. People at work were dicks
  9. I was (still) tired all the time
  10. I was (still) drinking too much
  11. I needed a website
  12. I needed new stuff
  13. My cousin’s arms were amputated***
  14. Whatever you get it

***Yes that really happened. My cousin’s accident and subsequent dismemberment causes me no stress or anything now (because I’m not that great of a family member and my cousin has his shit together) but when this happened I wanted to be close to family and that’s when I had to get out of Chicago and move to Michigan which caused more chaos than it eliminated, probably. (I linked my cousin’s GoFundMe video below. Watch it.)

Blah! So much bullshit, can I just be married to a hot personal assistant already?

–Like the moment I put my foot down and said “No More!” there was more. Now things have cooled down. I have a minute to settle in and of course, more bullshit but at least now I can see it for what it is…. It’s just some sort of cosmic filling in of the gaps between chaos. If you want to focus you have to be stubborn I guess.

Ok so that’s my blog post, “Can I Finally Fucking Focus Already”…

Thanks a bunch for reading!

Jessica Kate Wilcox